I feel like I really am losing my mind. I'm realising it more and more how obsessive I am and just how bad it's getting. For the past few weeks I thought my exercise addiction was coming under control. I started getting contempt with just doing 10 minute spurts of workouts that often weren't even making me out of breath. I guess part of that is due to having quite a high fitness level but still you think I might get a little bit hot. Well maybe even if I do I pass it off as the heating, but then again I think that is the case seeing as I live in what can only be described as a home sauna! The best thing is at the time of night I choose to exercise in Leeds at home as well, my room's at it's optimum heat (due to having the radiator and heater at it's peak and on all day) so it's also ridiculously hot too!
But anyway more to the point. I was slowly getting better. If I think back to just a few months ago unless I'd done at least an hour of cardio or equivalent plus Body Pump 4 days in a week I wasn't satisfied! So to now only be doing so little exercise was good for me! I even convinced myself in my head that my body wasn't physically able to complete Jillian Michael Workout 3 30 Day Shred. Even though I know I can, but it was my way of convincing myself to do less exercise. So it would seem that I was really getting over this addiction. Or so I thought.
Well that's until the last few days. I'm realising now that I'm still just as obsessed I'm just not actually doing as much. Yet this is just making me upset and angry. With myself. All because I don't believe I've done ENOUGH exercise. When in reality I've done a perfectly adequate amount for maintaining a normal level of fitness and in comparison to some people far more than they could ever imagine.
I mean for example today I had planned to do what I call 'light' exercise by attending a Body Pump class and an express one at that! (45 Minute rather than an hour, meaning two tracks at least are usually cut.) I planned to this and then do a 'quick' cardio style boost when I got home after my train back to Essex. (Plus my daily stretches/ab routine that I don't even include anymore as it's just habit and something I've done since I was 14). This should have been satisfactory for me. I was thinking that I would be okay. Well then a spanner was thrown in the works.
Upon arriving at the gym I went and collected my ticket from reception to prove I was booked into the class. Nothing too un-normal apart from the fact normally we can do it at self service but the machine wasn't working properly. So I queued alongside other people inquiring about their memberships plus the other girls planning on doing Body Pump. Then after getting my ticket I strolled through the turn barrier, went upstairs to Studio 2, of which I could hear the instructor talking. All normal. Then just as I strolled through the doors I hear the class coordinator say to the instructor 'We're gonna have to tell them.' That's when I knew something was about to go wrong.
They were cancelling the class! You can imagine my utmost horror at this revelation! What on earth was I going to do for exercise now?! Due to the time of the class being 12 I knew it was too late for me to enter the normal gym on my membership... not that I was really in the mood for cardio anyway. Which would have been all I would have done because for some reason in my head the only cardio machine in the gym that's even effective is a treadmill. But more to the point. I was now Body Pump less! And the gym's justification... all becasue 'Exams are on!' So hold on one minute. You're cancelling the class because Exams are on! And you haven't known about these exams for over a month!! They said that they didn't realise it was a 3 hour exam or something, but I didn't see anyone in the sports hall so I have no idea where they got that rubbish from. All I knew was they was cancelling my class and I was left without my Body Pump.
To say I was unimpressed and frustrated was nothing. So believe me I expressed my annoyance to the gym. Of which they offered me the compensation of being allowed in the normal gym even though it was out of my membership hours. You think I would have been happy with this but I think the fact that I was desperate to do Body Pump meant that anything else was going to be of disappointment to me.
Regardless of course I accepted the gym entry. As much as I wasn't up for the gym I knew in my head that if I turned it down I'd be even angrier. So in I trotted and before I knew it, I was on a treadmill. I convinced myself to do 10 minutes and thought somehow in my head that I would have burned about 100 calories by that point. Well it turns out that was an underestimation and half! So of course I kept going and going and as I reached a goal I then set the bar further and further until I eventually stopped after half an hour and 5.35K. Not bad I suppose for someone who hasn't run that distance in a good few months! But even though this would have used to make me feel brilliant about myself. I stepped of the treadmill and still felt utterly disappointed.
What is wrong with me? I'd just run over 5k! How could I not be happy?
I guess it's just me and no matter what I do anymore I always feel like a let down.
Emily x
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